Today I came across two great articles — posted by IV friends from Virginia Tech and Duke — that reminded me about how grace is everything. They are (1) “Quiet time performance” and (2) “reflections on Judas.” They provide good cause for reflection for ME but I wouldn’t judge for just reading the two articles and skipping my own stuff!
“Quiet time performance” is something I have definitely experienced and continue to. The effect or mindset described here shows up in my ministry/staff work too. This attitude of working for God’s blessing cripples me in both areas because it makes me (the one who heard God’s calling) more central/crucial than God (the One who spoke it).
It’s why I have such high expectations, it’s what drives the destructive/burn-out-prone part of my work ethic — if I don’t do it, if I’m not the best, then nothing will happen or everything will fail. On the flip side, if things succeed, it goes to show that excellence and hard work are necessary. So get back to work.
While I definitely struggle with pride and over-importance, I think in my personal life with Jesus, I struggle with this Judas complex – I keep blaming myself, I keep feeling ashamed, I feel like giving up when it comes to sin, or lack of consistency in my devotional life, or what have you. I either wallow and get mad at myself (and/or sometimes I think that I’m supposed to be mad at myself, because God must be mad since He expects so much of me, right?) or become apathetic (because it’s easier to dissociate and disengage than face shame and guilt).
Instead of high demands to achieve, it also drives apathy, laziness, and passivity — when things don’t go as planned, when things become unpredictable, and especially when things just… don’t move, then what’s the use in doing anything?Why pray? Why read scripture? Why move? I’ll just go days without trying to connect with God. Why bother if I can’t feel Him personally?
And I have come to this conclusion before — particularly back in mid-December. But I think that I need to re-enter disciplines. And just show up. And just be there. Because if it’s about receiving grace, Jesus has already given it to me. Even if I never feel Him ever again, I have it. And paradoxically, because devotional life isn’t something I have to do, maybe I can do it again even if I don’t feel anything.
